Boys South of the Mason Dixon Page 13

  than she’d been wearing that very first day when I started working there. Her clothing had gotten skimpier and skimpier by the day, and by the end of next week, if she continued at her current pace, Hannah would be coming to work naked. Maybe her daddy would notice then.

  “You’re always going to love Dixie Monroe, aren’t you, Asher Sutton?” She wasn’t talking in her sultry voice anymore. She was back to being herself. I thought about denying it, but I knew Hannah wouldn’t tell anyone, no matter my response. It would stay between us and I needed to say it, admit it to someone. Anyone.

  “Yeah, I will, but I let her go, and she moved on.”

  She frowned. “Why did you break up with her? That’s a mystery no one has ever understood.”

  “It’s complicated.” I wasn’t telling anyone that. Not Hannah. Not a fucking soul.

  She nodded as if she understood, when I knew she didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t. “Okay, Asher, I get it. But when you’re tired of seeing her with your brother and you’re ready to move on to something else, don’t forget me. I can wait.”

  “If that day ever comes, you’ll be first I call.”

  That brought a smile to her face. I liked seeing her smile. I didn’t want to think I’d been the one to take her ever-present smile away. “I could still go with you for moral support. As a fellow employee.”

  I considered it. Having Hannah with me would’ve made it less awkward, but then again, it could’ve made things even more awkward, too. I shook my head. “Not this time. This is something I need to get over and deal with . . . but thank you for asking, Hannah.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, good luck, then.”

  “Thanks.” Best thing I could have hoped for was for Dixie not to be home. Then I could unload, talk to Luke about work, and leave as quickly as possible.

  Loading the truck didn’t take me long. I was on the road and headed to the Monroe’s in about twenty minutes. Had Hannah been sitting in the seat beside me, I might have felt a false sense of security. But that was all it would’ve been. No matter who was there, I had to face them eventually, see this through. And if Dixie was there, then I’d have to talk to her. Talk to her like my brother’s girlfriend. Accept what I said and what had to be, knowing she loved me, too. That was the hardest part. Knowing that my heart wasn’t the only one I broke. If there had been a way to save Steel in all this, I would’ve done it, but I didn’t see any other way to escape the truth.

  Pulling the truck onto the dirt road that ran beside Luke’s big barn, I saw only his truck sitting there. Relieved by that, I parked and jumped down. I planned on making some small talk, unload the truck, and be gone in no time at all.

  “I can help you unload that, Asher.” Dixie’s sweet, southern drawl stopped me in my tracks. I froze like a blizzard had hit me.

  Motherfucking shit.

  Dixie Monroe

  I’D HEARD DADDY on the phone placing his order from Watson’s Feed and Seed. He didn’t know that Asher was likely to be delivering the order for them. I did. I knew it would be him. When Momma said that she had lunch ready, I told him to go on and eat with her, that I’d go out to the barn in case the delivery came. Oddly enough, he seemed fine with that. I expected it to be harder. He trusted me, but he was fatherly suspicious, as all good fathers were.

  Asher’s back was still to me. He hadn’t turned around. He’d been expecting my dad and was obviously surprised when I was the one waiting there. I was relieved Hannah Watson didn’t climb from the truck. I wasn’t sure what my plan would have been if she’d been there with him. I was only focused on Asher, on speaking to him alone, even though I knew this was wrong. Even if he’d said it was over between us, I wanted to hear his voice again. See if it was truly over between us.

  “Dad’s eating lunch,” I said, hoping he’d look at me.

  His shoulders sagged and I felt somewhat guilty. The last two days had been hard on him. Having Scarlet rip Bray and Brent apart had been tough on all of them. He slowly turned to face me, “I’m having a hard time believing your daddy left you out here to take this delivery from me.”

  Nonchalantly, I lifted my left shoulder. “He might not have known you worked for Denver.”

  Asher shook his head and turned his gaze to the house. “Best I unload this and be on my way.”

  He didn’t want to look at me. I knew that. Hated it even more. Did he sense desperation in my voice? Did he think that after the other night I expected more? That his showing how he felt for me by beating Bray’s face in would confuse me. Well, it did. But it also showed me that Asher was never going to hurt Steel. I had other plans. Another idea.

  “We were friends once,” I said, knowing we could never actually be friends. That was no longer possible.

  “No, Dix, we weren’t. I always wanted you. Never thought of you as a friend.”

  I wanted to smile at that. It was something. But I didn’t smile. I didn’t let him see how much I liked hearing it because he’d just unload and run. I had to maintain some sort of wall, a barrier between us to keep him here, talking to me.

  “I saw you with Hannah. Y’all dating?” I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me today, but I couldn’t shut up, had to say everything I was thinking. Jealousy was killing me.

  “You also saw me with Amber. You’re not asking about her.”

  “I know you’d never really feel anything for Amber. Hannah is different. You could love her.”

  “I work with her. She’s a friend.”

  They worked together. She saw him every day. Eventually that could lead to more. “She’s really pretty,” I replied. The words just kept spewing from my mouth.

  “Yeah, she is,” he said.

  Having him agree with me on that didn’t feel good at all. I continued with the stupid questions, “She likes you?” It sounded like a question but I meant it as a statement.

  He shrugged. “Not important, is it, Dix? Why are you doing this?”

  Everything about him was important to me. Vital, even. The fact that my heart ached for him every day and I felt empty and hollow inside mattered because this was what my life had become. I replied before I could stop myself, “Because, Asher . . . I love you.”

  He closed his eyes tightly, his hands fisting at his sides. “Dixie, for the love of God, please stop. I can’t do this with you. I can’t listen to this or do anything about it. If I could, don’t you get that I would?”

  The pain etched on his face, in his eyes, told me he was hurting too. And I was only making it worse. “I can’t stay with Steel. It’s not right. It feels . . . wrong to pretend. I keep pretending to love him when I’m in love with someone else. Always have been.”

  Asher sighed, his breaths heavy now. He was searching for a response. “Even if you don’t stay with Steel, Dixie, I just can’t. He’s my brother. You saw what happened with Bray and Brent.”

  I knew this already. But something inside me had to try one more time. It was wrong and cruel of me, but I had to try. I knew our situation was different. Bray and Scarlet had played with Brent’s emotions by using him to make the other jealous. I’d never done that to Steel. I never would. I was only guilty of loving Asher too much. But my heart knew what it wanted. Did that make me a bad person? I couldn’t find it in myself to care. My heart refused to let him go.

  “I can help unload,” I said again. There was nothing else to say. I’d help him. Endure the pain of having him near and not be his, but he would be close. That would be enough.

  “Why don’t you go and let your dad know I’m here? I’ll unload and then be on my way.” He said all that without once looking in my direction. The summer sun made his hair appear lighter than it was, highlighting its thick strands. His skin was tanned and I knew from summers past it would only get darker with time. The broad shoulders that made the taught fabric of his shirt cling to his skin had once been mine, to grip, hold onto, but now they weren’t mine to touch anymore. Nothing about Asher Sutton belonged to me anymo
re. All I had left were my memories. Every look, every touch, every kiss, everything he ever said to me. You could have put me in a box, thrown away the key, fed me enough just to keep me alive, and even after years had passed, I would have recognized his voice anywhere.

  “Okay,” I replied and I did what I had to do at that moment. I walked away from the boy I’d loved and the man I couldn’t forget.

  Part of me hoped he’d stop me, call out to me asking me to turn around. But I knew better. Where I was weak and selfish, Asher was strong and selfless, keeping his word regardless of how he felt. He’d put his brother first, before anything else he wanted. I couldn’t hate him for that. He was being the good guy. And I was behaving like the villain.

  Climbing the few short steps on my porch, I inhaled deeply, staring bravely at the large wooden door closed in front of me. I had to go inside and act like my heart wasn’t breaking into pieces. Let my dad know the delivery had come, then make some excuse to skip lunch, and head straight to my bedroom to hide.

  Once upon a time, Asher had kissed me on these steps. Countless nights I’d sat here and waited for him to come. On even more lonely nights, I’d watched for his truck to pass, wondering why he didn’t want me anymore and what I had done to lose him.

  This porch, these steps held more memories than I could count. I walked to the door, and put a brave smile on my face, one I didn’t feel and hadn’t truly felt in a very long time. I knew my parents would be in the kitchen. I could have called out, masked the pain in my voice, and just kept walking to my room. But I had to face my fears.

  “Delivery came. It’s all good.” I hoped there would be no questions.

  “Did it get unloaded?” Dad asked.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Good. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I replied, moving swiftly toward the stairs, almost escaping the next question.

  “You coming to eat?” Momma asked. “It’s on the table, dear.”

  I expected it. Knew it was coming. I replied, “Not hungry yet. Ate breakfast too late. I’m going to go read.” Today was my day off from the hair and tanning salon where I worked. I was the receptionist and I washed all the towels, too. Being lazy around the house on my days off was more acceptable now since I started working five days a week. The salon was closed on Sundays so I didn’t work then, spending those days reading as much as I could. I tried to keep to myself, though Steel took a lot of my free time. I knew I wouldn’t have felt that way had I loved him truly.

  Once I was safely inside my room, I sank down on the bed and fell backwards. Staring at the ceiling, I faced the reality of what I had to do. I had to break up with Steel. Not because it would change anything with Asher—because it wouldn’t, it was set in stone—but because I just couldn’t do this to Steel anymore. He was a good guy, a great guy, and he deserved a girl who would love him for the amazing man that he was. That wasn’t me. It never would be. I’d already let this go too far.

  I wasn’t proud of myself or my actions. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t change them. Do the right thing and get strong enough to move on. Find a life outside of this town, one without a Sutton boy by my side. Asher was right about one thing. I wasn’t meant for a Sutton boy.

  Asher Sutton

  “WHERE THE FUCK you been?” Dallas asked as I walked into the house. I knew by his language Momma wasn’t inside, or he would’ve paid dearly for that.

  “Work,” I replied moving past him, heading to the fridge to get a glass of sweet tea and some food. I’d skipped my lunch break because Hannah had asked me to go with her. I lied and said I’d brought a sandwich, that I’d scarf it down and keep on working.

  Grabbing some cold fried chicken, half an apple pie, cheddar cheese and the leftover biscuits, I set the banquet on the table and closed the door.

  “You gonna share?” Dallas asked with a grin.

  “No. Get your own.”

  “I would, but you just cleaned out the damn fridge.”

  I began slicing some cheese to go with my biscuits and took a tomato from the window seal. I knifed the stem head and cut it down the middle. After talking to Dixie, having had to say the things she needed to hear, I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t in the mood for my little brother’s smart mouth.

  “Hey, slice me some tomato, too. Tomato, cheese and biscuits sound good. I’m starving,” Steel said as the screen door slammed shut behind him. “Oh, hot damn! There’s some chicken left, too.”

  “He’s not sharing,” Dallas chimed in before I could reply. “He’s come in scowling and angry, determined to eat us out of house and home, which you can see is all on the table before you.”

  “Everything okay?” was Steel’s immediate response. He was assuming this was about Bray, who was still locked in his room, heavily medicated. I sliced another tomato, put it on a plate, then turned to hand it to Steel.

  “I’m fine. Just hungry. Didn’t eat all day. Take a couple of biscuits if you want. But the chicken, that’s all mine.”

  Steel took the plate of tomato from me and sat down at the table. His gaze remained stuck on me, studying me, weighing my mood by my movements. It was hard having any secrets with a house full of nosey ass brothers. I’d been gone so long I forgot what this was like. Having someone always there watching you. Paying attention to your every mood. At school, no one cared. I could close off and get drunk all alone. No one ever questioned it. Here, that was impossible.

  Steel asked, “Why didn’t you eat at work? Denver not give you a lunch break?”

  “Yeah, he does, worked through it.”

  “Then that’s your own fucking fault. Share the chicken,” Dallas replied, leaning over the table to grab a drumstick. I clutched his wrist and glared at him.

  “I’m not in the mood,” I warned him. “Get your own goddamn food.” As the last word fell from my mouth, the screen door opened again and Brent walked in. He had been working outside since early this morning, ignoring Bray locked away in his room and the fact Scarlet had left town.

  “Jesus. Y’all fighting over food?”

  I tried to act like everything was normal for him. Not treat him with kid gloves like everyone else was doing. He obviously didn’t want to be treated that way. “No. This fucker won’t leave my lunch alone.”

  “It’s four thirty in the afternoon. That ain’t lunch,” was Brent’s response.

  “He didn’t eat lunch. Now he’s all pissy. Hoarding the food like a king.” Dallas drawled and leaned back in his chair, smirking after saying it. “Just tell us why you didn’t eat and I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

  There had been times at college I missed this. My brothers, a full house, people who cared, but this wasn’t one of those times. Right now, I was missing my privacy. Something this bunch knew nothing about. Currently, what I wanted was to be treated as a leper and avoided like the plague.

  I put the chicken breast down with more force than necessary, looking up at three pairs of all too similar eyes, all directly focused on me. They were all waiting on my response. Nosey bastards. They had to know.

  “Hannah. That’s why I didn’t eat. She won’t leave me the hell alone. Now will you all let me fucking eat?” I was louder than necessary, but frustrated about being interrogated by them.

  “So she held you down during your lunch break? Woman rode you? Wouldn’t let you eat? If that’s the case, I don’t blame you for not eating. That’s one hot piece of ass. Always thought she was a little uppity and superior, with her honor roll scholarship shit. But damn, those can be the wildest ones . . . did she happen to suck your dick?”

  I stared at Dallas. When had my little brother turned into a complete dick?

  “Don’t think that’s what happened,” Steel said.

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not.” I then took another bite of chicken.

  “Okay, wait, you didn’t bang Hannah?” Dallas asked.

  My patience was running thin. I decided to eat in my room. Momma could bitch
at me. I’d listen and apologize. That was better than this. Lifting my plate in one hand with my mason jar of tea firmly clasped in the other, I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room to escape my brothers’ inquisition.

  “You can’t take food to your room.” Dallas’s tone was amused and playful.

  “I don’t give a fuck,” I replied, slamming the door behind me, then locking it in place. They’d follow me, or at least Dallas would try just to see how far he could push me.

  I heard his laughter and Steel saying something in a low, rumbling tone. I didn’t try to listen. I sat down on the top step and finished my meal in silence. If I ate fast enough, I could get all evidence of it back to the kitchen before Momma returned. She was outside in the garden. Of course, that meant more taunting from Dallas. I’d rather just deal with Momma.

  I replayed Dixie’s voice in my mind again and again, her words to me, how happy I once made her. I hated hurting her, causing her any type of pain. I wished she’d understand that every time I pushed her back, every time I had to put her at a safe distance from me, my very being was being torn into shreds. This wasn’t easy for me. From the moment I found those letters in that box, my life lost its meaning. I was drained of any joy and couldn’t be filled again. The emptiness now seemed to be permanent.

  The twisted guilt I’d lived with for the past three years was gone, but the ache of losing Dixie was still there. She wasn’t the last girl I’d been with, but she’d been the only one that mattered. The only face I saw. No one made me feel complete like she had. No one made me want to plan my forever, except her, only my Dixie. I thought that maybe with time there would be someone else to take her place, but all I realized in the end was that once you’d found perfection, everything else paled by comparison. A puzzle piece would forever be missing from your soul.

  Dixie Monroe

  WHILE STARING OUT the kitchen window, I poured myself a third cup of coffee. Sleep hadn’t come last night. Not even a few seconds of it. My guilt kept me wide awake. I wasn’t being fair to Steel. I’d known that before, but had let him convince me to stay with him because he honestly thought I could forget Asher one day. He thought we had a chance. I had to stop letting him think that. I cared about him, I wanted him to be loved the way he loved other people, completely, without hesitation. He was a good guy and should have it all. I was too fractured, too broken for him. Even though he refused to see it.