The Best Goodbye Read online

  “Deborah let me stay with her family until I started showing and we couldn’t hide it. They were Southern Baptist, and the congregation wouldn’t accept a pregnant teenage girl living in the minister’s home. So she helped get me a job in Oklahoma, where her sister lived, and it was there that I made a life for Franny and me.”

  Hating my mother had been something I’d accepted a long time ago. I’d hated my father just as fiercely, though, because he had left us with her. He hadn’t helped her. But now, knowing Addy had lived through this hell made me hate the woman who gave me life even more. So many things could have happened to Addy. So many bad things, and I hadn’t been there.

  “She’s mine.” I needed to say it aloud. I had known Franny was mine, but hearing Addy say it made it real.

  She just nodded.

  I had a daughter.

  But the woman in front of me was a stranger now. The girl I’d loved once and known better than anyone was now distant and reserved. She was strong and independent. She didn’t need me anymore. She also didn’t seem to like me very much. We were strangers, and the pang that came with that realization sliced through me.

  When I didn’t say anything, Addy moved toward the small living room. “Why don’t we sit down? I can get you a drink.”

  I hadn’t moved from the spot where I was standing. Addy was so much calmer about everything. But then, she’d been here watching me, knowing who I was, for more than a month. She’d had time to adjust. I followed her and sat on the first chair I came to, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. I should have seen it. The first fucking day she walked into the restaurant.

  “Your hair,” I said, with more accusation in my voice than necessary, but dammit, she had hidden herself from me. She had been hiding right fucking in front of me.

  She touched the darker locks and gave me a small smile. “I didn’t want to walk into your world as Addy. I needed to be sure that the man you had become was someone I wanted Franny to know. She’s been asking about her father for years, and I’ve been looking. When I found you, I didn’t want to bring her into your life until I knew you’d accept her and she wouldn’t be hurt.”

  As pissed as I was, I got it. She was a loving, protective mother. Something she’d never had in her own life. Something neither of us had had.

  The fact that she hadn’t intentionally kept my kid from me eased the anger some, but I still felt robbed. Losing Addy had sent me on a course that had molded me into a man who was nothing like the boy who had loved her. I wasn’t the guy she had left behind.

  “I’m different. I’ve done things that have changed me,” I said, looking at her as she sat down across from me.

  She gave me a tight smile and looked away. “I know you’re different. I’ve seen it.”

  Those words made me feel like I’d failed. I had fought to survive. She knew nothing of what I’d endured. I knew her life had been hard, but mine hadn’t been easy, either. There was no minister’s wife to help me. I had killed men. I had lost my fucking soul because her death had ruined me.

  “I want to know my daughter.” I wasn’t going to let her keep Franny from me. If she wasn’t happy with the man she saw, that wasn’t OK with me. I had a right to know my child. To be involved in her life.

  Addy swung her gaze back to me. “Good. She wants to know her father.”

  Eleven years ago

  I knocked once on Addy’s door. Mom was passed out drunk, but I was still careful not to make enough noise to disturb her. I wanted her to remain passed out. Addy had stayed hidden in her room, like I told her to, all evening. We hadn’t even gotten to talk about the day. Plus, I just wanted to be near her. She was letting me hold her hand at school now, and last night, she’d let me hold her until she fell asleep. I wanted more of that.

  The door opened slowly, and Addy gave me a shy smile before stepping back and letting me in. Being near her, knowing I could touch her, made me feel a little off balance. I wanted so much, but I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want to lose what I had been given. My heart always beat faster when she was near.

  “I just finished my homework,” she said, walking over to the bed to put away her books.

  Her blond hair fell over her shoulder. I wanted to play with her hair. Run my fingers through it and watch the way it looked sliding over my hand. “You don’t need help with anything?” I asked.

  She set the books on the small table beside the bed and shook her head no. “Not tonight.” Then she sat down and patted the spot beside her. “You look ready to bolt. What’s wrong?”

  Shit. I was messing it up because I couldn’t stay calm around her. My imagination was running wild. I had to control this. “I’m good. Just wasn’t sure if you wanted me to stay tonight or not.” God, let her say yes.

  She grinned and ducked her head. “I always want you to stay,” she said softly.

  My heart slammed against my ribs, and I took a deep breath. Calm. I had to stay fucking calm. I moved over to sit beside her. “So how was school today?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as wound-up as I was.

  She scooted closer to me, and her hand slipped over mine. “It was good. Same as every other day.”

  I turned my hand over so that our palms were touching and threaded my fingers through her small ones. Even her pale skin against my tanned skin turned me on. This was going to kill me. I wanted so much of her, and I had to stop thinking about how soft and sweet the skin under her clothes would be.

  “River,” she said, leaning closer toward me.

  Breathe. I had to remember to breathe. “Yeah?”

  “Why won’t you kiss me?”

  I jerked my gaze to lock with hers. “What?”

  Her cheeks turned a pretty pink. “Why won’t you kiss me?” she repeated. “I know you like kissing girls, but you haven’t kissed me.”

  The crotch of my jeans got extremely tight as I looked down at her innocent, beautiful face asking me to kiss her. Like I was going to turn that down. I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop when it was time and not let my hands go places she wasn’t ready for.

  “I was waiting until you were ready,” I told her honestly.

  She licked her lips, and the tip of her tongue peeked out, taunting me. “I’m ready.”

  This would be her first kiss and my last first kiss. Because once I did this, I’d never touch anyone else again. Just Addy.

  Addy

  So many times over the past ten years, I had imagined this day. When I would see River again and tell him why I ran away and tell him about Franny. Not once did it play out like this in my imagination. But then, all I’d had was the memory of River. I didn’t know Captain. The man he had become was someone I didn’t much care for.

  But he wanted to be part of Franny’s life, and she deserved that. He wasn’t a bad man. He just wasn’t the guy I had known. Then again, I was no longer the girl he had loved. It was hard to face, but now that I had him here as River, not my boss Captain, I had to deal with it.

  “Does she know that I’m her father? Or that her father is in this town?” he asked, watching me closely, as if he was trying to determine if I was lying.

  I shook my head. “She has no idea. Like I said, I needed to see who you were now before I told her.” He didn’t like it when I said that. I could tell by the way his eyes tightened, but I wasn’t here to make friends with him. Franny came first. He needed to get that.

  “When can we tell her?”

  I liked that he said “we,” as if he was ready to take a real role in her life. However, I was used to being the only decision maker in her life, and a part of me wasn’t ready to share. “I can sit her down tonight, but I need to do that alone. Once she understands why I brought her here and wanted to wait to introduce her to you, then we can meet together. The three of us.”

  He nodded. I was glad he didn’t argue.

  We sat there in silence, not looking at each other. There was a gulf between us that I had never imagined would ever exist. He’d
been my soul mate, my best friend, and I’d carried that memory of him with me all these years. It hurt simply because I knew I needed to let go of that.

  Looking up from my hands, I asked him, “Why couldn’t I find you, and why did you change your name?” I’d told him everything, yet he had given me nothing.

  “Dad divorced Mom when she was committed, and then he married Carlotta, the secretary. I ran. Left town and didn’t look back. Met a man who gave me a job and an escape. A way to deal with my demons.”

  That was it? He wasn’t telling me anything more than that? “What did you do? Did you change your name because you ran?”

  He shook his head and stood up. “I changed it because I wanted to forget what River Kipling had suffered. I wanted to start a life where that past could be forgotten.” That was it. All he was going to say. Reaching out his hand, he said, “Give me your phone. I’ll put my number in it.”

  I didn’t question him. I did as he asked. He quickly added his number to my contacts and handed the phone back to me.

  Standing, I waited for more, but he turned and headed for the door. I watched him until he stopped and turned to look back at me. “I’m not accepting your resignation letter. I was an ass the other night. I won’t be again. It was a stressful night, and Brad deserved that correction, not you. I’ll see you tomorrow evening for work. And talk to Franny. I’ve already lost enough time with her. Call me as soon as she’s ready.”

  Then he opened the door and walked out without waiting for me to respond.

  I had never imagined this was how tonight would end.

  I walked over to the window to watch Captain get into his truck and drive away. Once he was gone, I made my way outside to get Franny from Mrs. Baylor’s.

  I planned to keep Franny home from school the next day. We were going to have all the time she needed to talk about Captain. I knew she’d have questions. I also knew she’d want to meet Captain officially as soon as possible. She’d been waiting a long time to meet her father.

  • • •

  I started making chocolate-chip pancakes, which were Franny’s favorite, and texted Captain.

  I’m talking to Franny today. She’ll want to see you soon. Let me know when you’re available.

  It took him only seconds to respond.

  I’ll be ready when she is.

  This was River. I didn’t have access to him anymore, but maybe, for Franny, he would be the guy I’d once known. The protector who would do or be whatever she needed.

  I trusted him. I just hoped I wasn’t wrong.

  “Are those chocolate chip?” Franny’s sleepy voice asked. I could sense the excitement in her tone.

  “Yes, they are,” I replied, holding up the bag of chips.

  “Yay! I’ll pour the milk,” she said, running over to the fridge.

  “Good idea. These are almost done.”

  Franny concentrated on not spilling the milk, and I finished the pancakes. Once we had the table set, I glanced over at the clock, while Franny covered up a yawn and sank into a chair.

  “Today we’re going to hang out, just you and me. No school. How’s that sound?” I said a little too brightly.

  Franny studied me a moment. “Are we moving again?” she asked, with dread in her voice.

  I shook my head no and smiled. “No, but I have something I want to talk to you about. A good thing. So let’s eat, and then we can talk all you want.”

  She didn’t pick up her fork. “What good thing?”

  I shouldn’t have mentioned it yet. She was an impatient kid. She liked knowing the ending before she read a book or watched a movie. It figured she’d want to know what the talk was about before we had it. “You eat first, then we’ll talk,” I replied, before taking a bite.

  Franny looked down at her pancakes and gave in. She couldn’t resist her favorite treat. I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed time to focus and prepare before I told my daughter that she had met her father for the first time yesterday.

  Captain

  I hadn’t slept at all last night. When I’d gotten back to the boat, I’d grabbed a bottle of whiskey and taken several long swigs, before putting my fist through a wall. Then I’d thrown a chair and broken the leg. I’d leaned back and cradled my head in my hands while the emotions raging inside me destroyed me.

  Addy is alive. We have a daughter. I’d lost all those years with both of them. I’d killed men and lost every piece of my fucking soul except for the one that still held on to the love I had for that girl. A girl who I wasn’t even sure liked me anymore. Who the fuck could blame her?

  I’d been an ass to her. I had fucking acted annoyed when her kid—no, our kid—was sick, and she had taken care of her alone. Holy fucking hell! My kid. She’d been taking care of my kid, and I had made her feel as if it were a problem. The sick knot in my stomach twisted as I remembered every conversation I’d had with her since she’d walked back into my life.

  Looking into her eyes last night had been my undoing. I’d had to get the hell out of that house. Get some distance. I’d been so close to dropping to my knees and begging her to forgive me. Which might have been the best thing I could have done. But I’d been so emotionally raw I hadn’t been sure I could say much more.

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket again to look at the simple text she’d sent, just so I could see her name on my screen. Addy. My chest constricted, and I took a shallow breath. She was here. This was real.

  I had lain awake so many nights, imagining what our life would be like now if I’d only been there to protect her. She was my ultimate reason in life for fighting. Every battle I fought, every wrong I righted, had been for her.

  But for what? She had withdrawn from me. I had let her down. I’d killed the guy she once knew. This was me now. It was all I had left. And I’d never be enough for her. She deserved so much more.

  I had been out seeking justice for others while the one person in the world I’d ever loved or cared about was struggling to make it.

  I wasn’t going into work until Addy called. I couldn’t. Standing on my boat, holding my phone close to me, waiting for her next text, was all I could do.

  Eleven years ago

  My parents had been screaming at each other for more than an hour. I held Addy in my arms as we lay on her bed, quietly listening. We both wanted my dad to do something, but he never did. It didn’t stop us from hoping, though.

  When the door slammed, my mother’s sobs grew louder, and I thought we would be in for a fight, but then she screamed, and the door slammed again as she went after him. We were alone now. The silence in the house was as peaceful as it got around here.

  “Do you think she should be driving?” Addy whispered, even though no one was in the house to hear us.

  “No, but I can’t stop her,” I replied. I probably could, but that meant bringing her back into the house and making Addy a target. I wasn’t willing to do that.

  “He’s not coming back, is he?” she asked, and there was fear in her tone. We both knew that if this went to court, Addy would be taken out of our home and sent somewhere else. I wouldn’t let them take her from me. Who knew what kind of situation she’d land in next? At least here, she had me.

  “No, but I’m not letting anyone take you,” I assured her.

  She snuggled closer to me and tilted her head up to press a kiss to my jawline. “I love you,” she said softly.

  “I love you, too. Always,” I replied. And I meant it. I’d love her forever.

  “Promise?” she asked

  “Swear to God.”

  That made her smile, and I loved making her smile. “Will you sleep in here with me?”

  My answer was always yes. “Yeah, nowhere else I’d rather be.”

  She moved her hands up to squeeze my arms tightly. “Kiss me, please.”

  Again, another request I’d never turn down.

  Her lips were so soft it made me want to be careful with them, but she always pressed harder, deepening our ki
sses, until I forgot to treat her like she was fragile. Her hands slid up my chest, as she grabbed fistfuls of my shirt and arched her body against me. Every curve pressed against me. The plumpness of her breasts teased me, because I hadn’t touched her there yet. Not really. But God, I wanted to, and the way she was rubbing against me, I knew she wanted it, too. She was ready.

  In the darkness of her room, lit only by moonlight streaming through the one small window above her dresser, we were cocooned in our safe world. The one we created to forget about the evil around us. We didn’t think of our desires as being wrong. We had seen wrong, and we knew this wasn’t it. The feeling was too genuine. Our hearts were leading this. I’d been with girls when it was just about lust. I knew the difference.

  Slowly, I slipped a hand under her shirt, and she stilled, her breathing heavy, as I moved it up and over her bra to cup her right breast. She shuddered as I ran my thumb over the pebbled nipple pushing against the worn cotton. I needed more. Tugging down the front, I freed both breasts and moved my other hand up so I had them both full. Addy rolled onto her back and let out a small moan that made my cock jerk in reaction. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she arched her back, giving me more, and I took it. My blood was pumping so hard I could hear it as I slid her shirt off and threw it onto the floor before taking off her bra.

  Her eyes opened, and she looked at me with a mix of need and uncertainty.

  “You’re beautiful,” I told her, leaning down to press a kiss to her lips.

  She opened for me so easily and wrapped her arms around me. Her hard nipples, now bare, pressed into my chest, and my cock twitched again. I began a trail of kisses down her jaw toward her neck and then spent some time on her collarbone, before moving my hands to cup each round, creamy breast. Pale pink nipples, more perfect than anything I’d ever seen, grew even harder as my mouth moved closer, and I pulled one into my mouth.