Losing the Field Read online

  My mother’s hand squeezed mine as she held it tightly. The police officer called in was Officer Mike. I’d known him since I was a kid. He was Santa in the town square during the holidays. He gave out candy at the station on Halloween dressed as Superman. He was the one who always did the safety seminars in the school auditorium. Everyone knew Officer Mike. When he had walked in the counselor’s office where my mother and I waited, I had been relieved. Somewhat comforted.

  “I’ve had some records pulled on Dace, and it appears this isn’t the first time. He left the last school after whispers began to circulate that he was having relations with one of his students. However, her parents never filed a complaint, and she never came forward.” He paused and lifted his gaze from the file in front of him. “It’s a brave thing to do, Tallulah.”

  I didn’t feel very brave at the moment. I was sick with fear. I didn’t know what would happen next. If I was going to be expected to speak to a judge, or go to court, or face Mr. Dace again. I didn’t want to. Not now.

  “Why didn’t the school check into that before hiring him?” My mother was upset. She was fighting back tears, and I knew controlling her emotions was difficult for her.

  Officer Mike shrugged. “I don’t know. I will say it took some digging. With no actual complaint filed, it wasn’t easily accessible. But I knew the right people to call to find out.”

  Mother pressed her fingers to her temple and closed her eyes. “His wife,” she said with a tight voice. “What she must feel.” She opened her eyes again. “You said they had a child. How old is she?”

  “Three.”

  “Jesus,” my mother muttered. “He’s a sick man, and he has a daughter. How would he feel if this happened with his daughter one day? Tallulah’s just a child herself.”

  Officer Mike gave a slow nod. “Yes. But men like Dace see a woman.”

  Mom shot up from her seat and began to pace the room. “She’s seventeen. He is ten years older than her. She’s naïve. She’s sweet and kind. She worries about her grades.”

  All of this really had no relevance, but to my mother it did.

  “I’ve got everything, Tallulah?” Officer Mike asked me. “This is it? All of it, or were there any other incidents you need to tell me about?”

  I shook my head. “Just those two. The other times he had been friendly. Maybe too friendly, but he had never done anything. Not until last week.”

  Officer Mike stood. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t step foot in a school system again.”

  “Good!” my mother said, her eyes filling with tears again.

  With that, Officer Mike left the room.

  Mrs. Milly, the school counselor, stepped back inside. She looked from me to my mom. Then she stuck her glasses that were perched on her head back on her nose. “You’re free to go now. I’m suggesting that Tallulah take a day to settle her nerves before returning to classes.”

  My mother nodded. “Yes. She will. Thank you.”

  Mrs. Milly turned to look at me. “I had been watching him. I’d seen his gaze going where it shouldn’t. I know coming forward with this was hard. But it was for the best. Men like him, they don’t get better.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to that. Too much had happened. My head hurt. My chest ached, and I never wanted to walk back into this school again. Because I knew that although the adults believed me . . . not all the students would.

  My mother took my arm and held it tightly, as if I needed her strength to walk. I wasn’t falling apart. She might be, but I was just scared of all the things I would face now. I hadn’t been damaged. I hadn’t actually been frightened until this morning. Mr. Dace had pushed too hard. The kiss had just startled me, made me uncomfortable. But today he’d seemed more unstable.

  I walked with my mother into the hallway. She was quiet, and so was I. From the moment I told Principal Haswell, “Mr. Dace has been making advances to me. Once before, a week ago, and today. I didn’t want it, and I told him to stop,” everything changed.

  Pam had been sent to the office to wait to speak to the counselor before going to class. I had been taken to the assistant principal’s office, while Mr. Dace had been taken to Principal Haswell’s office.

  My mother had arrived first. Principal Haswell had called her. Then Officer Mike. I didn’t know what Mr. Dace was claiming. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. It was going to be my word against his and possibly Pam’s. She was the only witness. I already knew she wasn’t going to side with me. She wanted me to have been in the wrong. The girls who loved him wouldn’t want to believe he was wrong. The guys on the football team would be angry that I was accusing their coach of something that could have him fired.

  I knew all this when I told the truth. But I wasn’t going to lie.

  I scanned the hallway to see if anyone was out here. I didn’t want to face a student before I left. The rumors would be bad enough already. My gaze landed on the one person I wasn’t expecting. The one I didn’t want to see, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about. The guy who had crushed me and would now hate me. Nash.

  He stood there silently in the hallway. His backpack over his shoulder. The Lawton Lions duffel bag he’d carried when he played football in his left hand. That was odd. Why would he be carrying his football gear around?

  I lifted my eyes back to meet his, and there was disgust there. Even hate. It felt ice cold and painful as it sank in that he knew, and he didn’t believe the best. He assumed the worst. I had hoped of all students he’d be the one to believe in me. To know I’d never do what I was going to be accused of. But even Nash thought I could do it. If he didn’t believe me, no one would.

  How would I come back here and face this? Being made fun of because I was fat hadn’t been easy, but I could accept it. Live through it. But being accused of something like this . . . I just didn’t know if I could.

  “Ignore that,” Mother whispered beside me.

  If only I could. If only I didn’t care. If only I didn’t love him.

  I Was Tired of Being the Center of Attention

  CHAPTER 42

  NASH

  Ryker met me outside my first period. I’d heard her name whispered in class, but no one had said anything. We’d been working on a paper due next week. It was supposed to be silent, but I had no doubt one of the many whispering and looking my way would have told me about Tallulah and Dace.

  “Wishing I hadn’t pushed for you to come back today,” he said.

  I shrugged. “Not my problem. Though I feel bad for his wife and kid.”

  Ryker’s eyes went wide. “He’s married with a kid?”

  I nodded. I wouldn’t have told anyone else that. But Ryker was different. He might as well have been my brother. He also didn’t talk shit about people.

  “Damn,” he muttered.

  “I brought my practice shit. I’ll be ready to help after school. Make sure that quarterback is ready.”

  Ryker smiled then. “I will.”

  Having something to do with football helped me not keep thinking about Tallulah. “What time . . .” I began to ask what time he wanted to get started when I saw her locker. I paused. My stomach turned like I’d eaten something bad.

  In red lipstick the word SLUT was written horizontally and in large letters covering the entire front of Tallulah’s locker. I stared at it, unable to take another step. My head was telling me she deserved it, but the sickness in my stomach didn’t agree. No one deserved that. It was cruel and vicious. Yes, she’d made a fucking mistake. There was a good chance she didn’t know he was married and had a kid. Hell, I didn’t know. Ryker didn’t know. Dace didn’t advertise it.

  He was still a teacher, and she’d been dating me. At least I thought we had something. I had been her cover. What I was feeling wasn’t hate. It was disappointment and heartache. I’d thought she was different. Special. But she wasn’t. Truth was, most of the girls in this school would have fallen for him if he’d given them the chance. He was the “hot teacher,” and he
had gone after Tallulah. That didn’t make her a monster. It made her normal. Average. The same.

  “I’ll help you clean it,” Ryker said.

  I hadn’t needed to say anything to him. He knew this was hard on me. But he wasn’t going to let something like that slide by, either. “I doubt she knew he was married. He was older, smarter, and could easily manipulate a teenage girl. I’m not making excuses for her. I just thought I’d point out I don’t think Tallulah should be the one at fault here.”

  She’d done it. She’d hurt me. I could fault her for that. “I’ll go see what the janitor has to get that off,” I replied. I’d keep my thoughts to myself. They made me vulnerable. I didn’t want that. No one needed to know how badly she’d hurt me.

  “I’ll go get us an excuse for class,” Ryker said, then headed the other way.

  I started toward the janitor’s room when Pam walked in front of me. “It was me who caught them,” she announced smugly. As if she’d won an award.

  “Lucky you,” I drawled, and kept walking.

  “She wasn’t good enough for you anyway. She’s a slut. Who sleeps with a teacher, anyway?”

  I paused. Her words pissed me off. I didn’t want to think too deeply about why, but I knew it was because she was making accusations she had no proof of. I knew Tallulah well enough to know she wasn’t having sex with the man.

  “Really? You caught them going at it?” I asked sarcastically.

  She shifted her feet and tilted her chin back as if she was important. “No, but I saw them touching. Kissing.” She said the last part as if it was all the proof we needed.

  “Last time I checked, you were well aware of the vast difference between kissing and sex, Pam. I wasn’t aware kissing made someone a slut. If so, then this entire school is full of them. Me included.”

  She rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant. The rest of the school wasn’t kissing a married man and a teacher!”

  I took a step toward her, my glare locked on her. “Did you know he was married?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  She shrugged. “I didn’t ask.”

  “Did you look at his hand? Was he wearing a wedding band?”

  Her shrug this time was smaller, with less conviction. “He was still a teacher.”

  I laughed then. The empty kind I was so fucking good at. “A teacher you threw yourself at every chance you got. But you weren’t the only one who thought he was hot. I heard it daily.” I waved my hand toward the packed hallway. I noticed we had drawn a crowd. “I bet you’d be hard pressed to find one girl in this high school who didn’t have a crush on Mr. Dace. Yet he wanted Tallulah, so that makes her a slut. He was the adult. He knew better.”

  As my voice got louder and I defended Tallulah not only to Pam but the others listening, I accepted that what I was saying was true. I didn’t forgive her. Because it had been me she’d hurt. But I didn’t think it made her a slut. I thought it made her naïve and stupid.

  Pam threw her hands up dramatically. “Whatever. Take up for her. She caused us to lose a great teacher and football coach. Not that you care about football anymore.” She snarled the last bit, wanting to hurt me. Embarrass me. It didn’t work.

  “No one wants to hear your shit, Pam. Go on,” Asa said, stepping up beside me. “Besides, Coach D wasn’t that great of a coach. The team will be fine without him. And as for literature, I was failing his class. He sucked as a teacher.”

  Asa struggled to pay attention in most classes. He thought all teachers sucked. But I was grateful for his stepping in. Not because I couldn’t handle Pam, but because I was tired of being the center of attention.

  Pam swung her long hair over her shoulder and stalked away. She was done arguing. Thank God.

  “You’re welcome,” Asa said, grinning.

  “Thanks, I gotta go.”

  “Where you going? Second period is the other way.”

  “Janitor’s closet. I need to clean her locker.” I didn’t say whose. I didn’t have to. There was only one locker that needed cleaning in this school.

  “I’ll go with you.”

  “It’s okay. Ryker’s getting us excuses and helping me.”

  Asa nodded. “Okay. If you don’t need me, I’ll see you after class.”

  “We got it. But thanks.”

  I began walking again when Asa called out. “For the record, I think we don’t know the real story. I don’t think she did it.”

  If I hadn’t witnessed the kiss myself, I probably wouldn’t have believed it either. I didn’t respond because I had nothing to say. My secret would remain just that. Especially now.

  If Only I Could Just Be Invisible Again

  CHAPTER 43

  TALLULAH

  All weekend, no one called. You can know you don’t have friends. But it’s never more obvious than when something bad happens. There’s no one to call you. No one to stop by to check on you. No one to believe you.

  I already knew I was friendless. I should have grown used to it. But the past few weeks I hadn’t felt lonely. I’d had Nash. He was my friend. He made me feel a part of something. Like I fit in. Like this world cared if I was alive or dead. Like I was important too.

  That had been fleeting. Gone too soon. I wished for the millionth time I hadn’t known what it felt like. Love, friendship, acceptance. Before I’d been clueless. It had been easier then. My books had been enough.

  Nash had changed it all for me. I would have to learn to make it through alone again. Every day at school with no one speaking to me. They’d whisper and point again. Didn’t matter what size I was. Being thin didn’t save me from being an outcast. When I had walked all summer and used my drive for revenge to keep me going, I had honestly believed that being thin would solve all my problems. How stupid was that?

  I hadn’t fit in then, and I didn’t now. I never would. I wish I hadn’t even tried. If I had stayed overweight, then Mr. Dace would have never noticed me. He’d never have kissed me. The school wouldn’t hate me.

  Sitting in my car, I watched as others began to arrive at school. They all were excited to be here. They had groups. Friends waiting on them. And they’d all see me and blame me. I’d be the outcast. I imagined that was worse than being invisible. If only I could just be invisible again.

  I waited. Watched. And gave myself pep talks that did little good. I hadn’t heard anything all weekend about what Mr. Dace was going to do. If he was going to deny it and take this to court to clear his name, which I found could be a possibility. I knew he wouldn’t be here, though. My mother had made sure I wasn’t going to face him again at school.

  I’d almost turned around and gone back inside the house to beg her to let me homeschool. But I knew she would let me. She would want to protect me. She wouldn’t make me face this. I had to face it. I had to stand up for myself. If I didn’t come back, they would all think I was guilty. That I had been a willing participant.

  Stepping out of the car, I felt my hands tremble. I fisted them tightly at my sides. I wasn’t going to be that weak. I could do this. I had done nothing wrong.

  I straightened my shoulders. Took my backpack and put it over my shoulder, then headed for the doors. I didn’t make eye contact with those still lingering outside. I kept walking. Held my head high. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

  They were looking. I could feel them. It was like time stood still, and they all turned their attention to me. My face heated. My heart raced. I kept moving forward. They couldn’t hurt me.

  “SLUT!” someone yelled out. I had prepared myself for that. It was so far from the truth it was almost funny. Almost.

  I didn’t turn to see which girl had thought it was acceptable to yell slut at someone else. I didn’t care. I continued to remind myself that I knew the truth. That was all that mattered. I knew.

  With a jerk of the door, I opened it and went inside. More people. More eyes. More conversations paused as they spotted me. I didn’t stop. I kept moving.

  “No one
wants you here, slut,” one said as I passed by.

  “Go home, you whore,” another called out.

  “Liar!” someone else called out.

  I did the only thing I could. I ignored it all.

  Until a guy I didn’t know, who had to be younger than me, stepped in my path and grinned. “I’ll fuck you on a desk if you want? Or are you just into older men?”

  Laughter erupted around him.

  I went to move around him, and he shifted to block me once more. I glared up at him this time. “Get out of my way,” I said firmly.

  “Aww, don’t be like that, baby. I just want a taste of what had Coach D pulling down his pants in the classroom.”

  I should have expected this. Rumors to grow into ridiculous lies. I went to move around him again. Once more, he made sure I couldn’t.

  “You don’t want her STDs,” a female voice called out. I’d heard that voice before, but I didn’t look to see who it was.

  The guy smirked. “She doesn’t seem that easy to me. I think she only gives it to the older guys.”

  “That’s enough, dipshit,” Nash said angrily, and I turned my head this time to see him making his way through the crowd toward me.

  The guy’s demeanor changed. “Sorry, man. Just having some fun with the school teacher banger.”

  Nash was in his face then. He shoved him back hard with his good arm. “Fuck off,” he ordered.

  The kid swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed, then he turned and hurried down the hall. Nash look around. “Jesus, move on. Get a life,” he yelled.

  People began to move away. It was like magic. They all turned and began talking again. I was no longer the entertainment. All because of Nash. He had come to my rescue. He cared.

  “Thank you,” I said in shock that of all people it had been Nash to stand up for me. He didn’t look at me right away. His back was still to me. His shoulders tense. When he did finally move, my heart leaped. He was going to talk to me.

  His eyes were void of emotion. He didn’t smile or seem concerned. Nothing. He didn’t give me long to figure out what that meant. “This means nothing. Don’t read into it. I’m a nice guy. I don’t allow bullying when I see it. That’s all this was.”