Losing the Field Read online

  His words still lingered, crushing my soul and my hopes as he walked away. I didn’t watch him go. It took all my attention to keep from falling apart. For a moment I had let my guard down. And that easily I was broken yet again. When I could manage to move one foot in front of the other, I walked to my locker.

  I wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t let myself believe in love. Or even in something as simple as a friend. Those things weren’t mine to have.

  Getting the things I would need from my locker was mindless. I didn’t have to think to do it. I needed a distraction. Something to ease Nash’s words as they played over and over in my head.

  “Whore,” Pam hissed as she walked up to my locker. “I saw you. You’re a whore. You deserve all of this.”

  She didn’t stick around to continue. She’d said what she needed, so she hurried away. Pam was evil, yet she had friends. People who she could talk to. She was never alone. She’d never been the outcast. Why she thrived on seeing me alone and hated, I didn’t know. I’d done nothing to her. I’d done nothing to anyone. Until a few weeks ago most of them hadn’t realized I existed. Yet we’d gone to school together our entire lives.

  I didn’t understand that kind of cruelty. I never wished this on anyone. Not even Pam.

  I Could Be a Lion Again

  CHAPTER 44

  NASH

  I’d worked out with the team today. After standing on the side of the field Friday night and watching the freshman throw a winning touchdown, I had decided I could be a part of this. I’d helped with that. His confidence had been built, and although he wouldn’t be first string until his junior year, he was ready when Hunter wasn’t.

  I watched them practice for an hour. Standing there smelling the grass and feeling the heat from the sun felt good. It was like going home. This was and would always be a part of me. I’d grown up loving this game. I always would. Even if my years of playing it were over. That didn’t mean I was losing the field all together.

  “I’ve got physical therapy,” I called out to Ryker. “I gotta go.”

  He nodded, and the smile on his face from just having me down here made me feel a part of something again.

  “Nash, wait,” Coach Rich called out.

  I paused and waited as he jogged over to me. He seemed happy to see me. At least I thought he was. But I was suddenly worried he was about to tell me not to come to practice. Because I wasn’t on this team anymore. Normally he didn’t let others watch. Much less stand on the field.

  “What you did with Kip was amazing. I’d already prepared myself for a disaster Friday night. But Ryker and Kip said you came and helped him.”

  I shrugged. “He just needed a confidence boost. I watched his games from last year. He’s good. A more natural talent than Hunter in my opinion.”

  Coach grinned. “I saw that Friday night. It got me thinking. This . . .” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “This shit with Dace. He’s gone. He won’t be coming back. Even if she did pursue him. He caved. He’s gone. And they’re not going to be able to replace a defense coordinator slash literature teacher with one paycheck overnight. I need help. I can handle things, but it would be easier and more successful if I had someone who the guys had a relationship with watching them and making suggestions. I’d like you to step in and be a part of the team again. It’s not a paid job of course. They can’t hire a kid. But I could use you. This team could.”

  He was asking me to coach? Me? I stood there, staring at him in shock. When he’d started talking about Dace, I’d gotten nauseated and wanted to get away. Forget that shit. But he’d blindsided me. With a chance to be down here. I could be a Lion again.

  “Seriously?” I asked. Because if this was a joke, I needed to know now.

  He nodded. “Completely.”

  “Yes” was all that I could get to come out of my mouth. I was speechless otherwise.

  He slapped me on the back. “Welcome back, son.”

  I nodded. I couldn’t even say thank you. My eyes locked on Ryker, who was watching us. He saluted me with a smile that said he knew what had just happened. “Thanks, Coach Rich,” I finally said.

  “Don’t thank me. Just win us some games.”

  Those words didn’t scare me. My dad had been telling me that all my life. I worked good under pressure.

  Coach Rich walked back to the others, and I headed for the parking lot. I’d have to adjust my physical therapy schedule. Because my afternoons were about to be busy once again.

  Smiling, I was lost in the first trace of happiness I’d felt since the accident. My smile slowly weakened as I thought of Haegan. Then, as if fate liked to kick me in the ass, I saw Tallulah. She was walking to her car. Her arms full of books and her backpack full. She looked miserable. I knew the entire school had talked about her today. Made jokes at her expense. Blamed her for Dace being gone.

  But I couldn’t fight all her battles. I couldn’t shut them all up. She’d asked for this. I had nothing to do with it. I’d been hurt in the crossfire. But if I caught anyone else in her face, taunting her, I’d step in. I already knew that without having to think about it.

  Right now I wanted to go lighten her load and help her with her books. Which fucking sucked ass because I shouldn’t want to be near her. I shouldn’t care what others said. She had kissed a teacher. The fact he was married made it worse, but I had decided she hadn’t known that. She’d never have done it if she’d known. He’d been after her since the first day of school. I’d seen it. She hadn’t flirted with him. She hadn’t tried to get his attention.

  What she had done was return his attraction and respond to his advances. I stood there watching as she dropped a few books and sighed wearily, then bent down to put the other books on the ground. She began to stack them up again. The pile was too tall for her to carry. She stood up and looked down at it, then at her car.

  Why was she carrying so many books home anyway? No one had that much homework. I fought back going to help her. I didn’t need to be near her. Being so close I could smell her, seeing her eyes so full of hope for forgiveness today had about been my undoing. I didn’t want to stay away from her. Even with all she had done I missed her.

  She bent down and picked up half the stack, then carried it to her car. I was so focused on her I didn’t notice Brett pick up the other books she’d left behind. He was coming up behind her when I noticed him. She turned and jumped, startled to see him, then she smiled. That sweet smile that did things to me.

  They talked. She tried to take the books, but he put them in her car for her. Then they talked some more. I needed to get in my fucking Escalade and go to physical therapy. But then they’d see me. She’d see me. She’d see me seeing them. Shit. That was too damn convoluted. I was making too much out of this. We were over. Right? I was done. Then I had to stop acting like I had to hide from her.

  I picked my duffel up and headed to my Escalade. I knew she saw me when the hairs on my arms stood up and I got a tingle down my spine. My body even reacted to her when I wasn’t looking. It was like it knew she was there, and it went on high alert. Damn traitor.

  I cracked and shifted my gaze in her direction. She was watching me. I held her gaze for a moment. It was wrong. I shouldn’t. If I was done and this was over, I had to act like it. Not lock gazes with her when she’s talking to another guy. That said shit. Shit I wasn’t going to follow through with. Because I didn’t trust her. I never would again.

  It was Tallulah who broke the stare. She shifted her attention back to Brent. Her smile was tighter now. Less real. Less soft. More forced. But he wouldn’t know that. He didn’t know her like I did. I climbed in my Escalade, telling myself this was for the best. It was the only way to protect my head and heart. But damn if it didn’t hurt like hell.

  Like a Wolf about to Protect Its Young

  CHAPTER 45

  TALLULAH

  After lunch and the constant verbal lashing I was taking from the rest of the student body, I went to the co
unselor to discuss the possibility of me homeschooling for the rest of the semester. I knew there was a program where you could homeschool but remain on the same curriculum as the school. It was run by the county. I needed all the information on it before I took it to my mother. She’d have questions.

  I was a distraction in class. Twice before lunch teachers had been forced to stop class and talk to everyone about not spreading rumors. It was all because they were whispering about me, throwing paper at the back of my head, and laughing at each other’s jokes centered on me. I couldn’t learn in that environment, and neither could anyone else. The teachers’ frustration was obvious. I should have known I couldn’t come back here. Thinking I could deal with this and it would be okay was crazy.

  The counselor called my mother, and we discussed it in her office over speakerphone. When it was over, I was sent to each teacher’s class to get all the work I needed for the next two weeks so I wouldn’t get behind while we were switching me over to the virtual school system. It had been successful in other schools in the county. But no one at Lawton had tried it yet.

  When school ended, I then had to meet the counselor in the library to get the paperwork and instructions for my mom to get me registered. We went over how to handle it if I chose to return. It was a lot of information, but it kept my mind off the reason I was doing this.

  As I was leaving, Mrs. Milly said she hoped in time I’d come back. She would miss my smiling face in the hallway. That was the first time I teared up. Until she said that I had assumed my absence would go unnoticed. Or simply that no one would care. Hearing her say it, even if she was the counselor, made me feel wanted. Just a little.

  I sat outside my house now. My car full of books that Brett had helped me load after I dropped them three times in my attempt to carry them. Brett had also told me he would miss me. He hoped I would come back. Then he’d asked for my phone number and if he could text me. Or even call sometime. I had said yes, and at that moment Nash had locked eyes with me.

  He wouldn’t miss me. My absence would be a relief to him.

  This morning I had thought no one cared. But now I knew two people did. Yes, I was counting Mrs. Milly. When you’re as limited on friends as I was, you counted it all. Even the adults paid to care.

  Being the biggest slut at Lawton High and never having had sex was ironic. I’d thought about that a lot today too. At first it had seemed unfair, but I had moved past that. Life wasn’t fair. Haegan’s family would agree with me. This was bad, but it could be worse. My momma had always reminded me that when I had a bad day, there was someone out there who would trade places with me. Never to get down, but be thankful for what I did have.

  I was trying to do that, but it was hard. Especially when your car was loaded down with books you wouldn’t normally need yet, but they’d be a part of this semester’s reading. Then the textbooks that couldn’t be replaced online. I had to bring those, too.

  The front door opened, and Momma came walking out. She had been watching for me, and I hadn’t gotten out of my car fast enough for her. The smile on her face wasn’t real. She was worried about me and trying to cheer me up. I was betting there was chocolate pound cake and ice cream waiting on me inside. That was her cure-all.

  I opened my car door and got out of the car. “I’m coming,” I assured her.

  “Thought you might need help carrying things,” she said, her voice light with false jolliness.

  “Momma, today was bad. You already know this. Acting happy won’t cheer me up. This sucks. All of it. I will get over it, though. So stop forcing your smile. It looks painful.”

  Her smile dropped, and she rung her hands in front of her. “Oh, honey, I’ve been worried sick all day.”

  I didn’t sugarcoat it. She knew the truth. She’d talked to the counselor. “They liked Mr. Dace. They don’t want to think he did anything wrong. So it has to be my fault. I can’t change their minds. And I can’t go to school with them. They don’t want me there, and I no longer want to be there.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “I’d thought this year would be your best. You’d go to prom, and go on dates. You’d have friends and go to football games. You would love going to school every morning. All the things you missed. And that . . . that . . . bastard took that from you.”

  She looked so distraught I wanted to reassure her, but what could I say? Promise that I’d get to do those things? It was my senior year. This was it. I wouldn’t do any of it. I wouldn’t even go to school.

  “Let’s go inside and eat the pound cake and ice cream I know is in there,” I suggested.

  She nodded and sniffled. “Okay. I made fudge topping, too. For the ice cream,” she told me.

  I’d have to walk extra miles tomorrow, but then I would have more time. Working from home would make things go quicker. I’d have more time for my walks. And for reading. Tonight I’d enjoy the sugar and feel bad for myself. Tomorrow I’d get over it. Move on. Figure out my new schedule.

  We started to walk inside the house when an older model silver BMW that needed to be washed badly pulled into the driveway. Both of us turned to look at who it was. We didn’t get visitors often. The blond hair was the first thing I saw. She had a lot of it. And she was tall. Striking, even. I’d never seen her in my life.

  “Can I help you?” my mother asked, smiling in her friendly way.

  “Yes.” She looked from my mother to me. “I’m here to speak with you and your daughter.” She walked toward us and held out her hand. “I’m Charlotte Dace.”

  And just like that my sweet momma’s smile fell, and a look of ferocity came over her face. Much like a wolf about to protect its young. I almost expected her to snarl and show her teeth next. “Then you should have had your lawyer contact ours,” Mother told her in a firm voice that meant business. She also took that moment to step in front of me as if she needed to protect me from Charlotte Dace.

  Charlotte didn’t seem to get upset or prepare to attack her. She remained calm. “I can understand your reaction. If she were my daughter, I’d feel the same way. However, we don’t need a lawyer. There is no point in it. I had been prepared to stand beside my husband and defend him. I called a lawyer and set up an appointment. I was determined he’d been seduced by a Lolita.

  “But he didn’t let me go much further. He admitted it all. He said she had fought off his advances both times. She was naïve and young. Innocent and had no idea how to deal with attention from a grown man. That attracted him more. Then, when I wanted to believe this was a one-time instance, he admitted to two other underage girls he’d had affairs with. Girls who had been willing. And each time he said he loved them.”

  She stopped then.

  I stood silently. I knew this already—well I knew about one other girl. The one Officer Mike had mentioned.

  “Would you like to come inside?” Mom asked, her ferocious demeanor now extinguished.

  Charlotte nodded. “Yes, please. I’d like to ask Tallulah a few things, if that’s okay with you. I need closure on this. I’m filing for divorce, but I have a long road ahead of me. I intend to fight for full custody of our daughter.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Mom replied. Then she looked at me. “Are you okay with talking to her?”

  I was. “Yes,” I told her.

  “Thank you,” Charlotte said. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I don’t want to upset you any more than you’ve already been. I’d just like to ask you a few things to see how much of the truth he’s given me.”

  I could understand that. “Okay.”

  We went inside, and the smell of my mother’s pound cake filled the air. It was the first comfort I’d felt all day. It meant I was home. The insecurity that had settled over me when Charlotte Dace introduced herself was gone.

  “Please have a seat,” Mother said, motioning toward the sofa. “Can I get you coffee? Some pound cake?”

  Charlotte shook her head. “No thank you. I won’t take much of your time. I appreciate t
his.”

  Mom sat down beside me on the love seat. Her hand rested on my knee. It was her show of support.

  Charlotte shifted in her seat and crossed her legs. “When did he tell you he loved you?”

  “A little over a week ago. He kissed me, and I ran out of the room and into the nearest restroom. He followed me inside. Told me there.”

  She nodded. “Did he tell you he was married?”

  I shook my head. “No. I had no idea. But then it wouldn’t have mattered because I didn’t want his attention.”

  “Do you think he’s done this with any other girls at the school?”

  I thought for a moment, then shook my head. “No . . . I didn’t pay attention to him unless I was in his class. I never once thought of him as more than a teacher.”

  She looked up at the photo of me from two years ago that sat on the mantel. “You’ve lost weight,” she said.

  “Yes.”

  She moved her gaze back to me. “When? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking.”

  “This summer,” I told her.

  She sighed. “He said you were different from the others. You didn’t flirt and had no idea how beautiful you were. He said you were smart and mature for your age. I see now why you’re so different.” She didn’t mean it in a bad way; she was just speaking her thoughts.

  She stood up. “I believe my husband is unstable. Mentally he has some sickness. It’s the young girls. He is drawn to them. If he contacts you, I’d call the police. I don’t know him. I realize I’m living with a man that I don’t know at all, and I’m terrified.”

  My mother stood up too. “I’m sorry for you and your daughter,” she said.

  Charlotte nodded. “I’m sorry for the harm he’s done here, too.”

  Mom walked Charlotte to the door, and I watched them go. Relieved there would be no court. That I wouldn’t have to defend myself but worried about the little girl who wouldn’t have a father. I’d never had one. But she’d known what it felt like to have a dad, and she was going to lose that. I imagined that would be harder.